“When did I stop trusting myself to do the things that are important to me?” hits home. There’s so much anxiety surrounding every reminder and time block. I’ve worked pretty hard on minimising this over the last 12 months, as trusting myself starts with just being kind and patient. I do need to recaulk the tiles, though.
"Trusting myself starts with just being kind and patient"—Tom, I love this, and it's *so* true. Thanks for reframing this intangible idea into an actionable first step! (And for providing solidarity on the recaulking front. 😅)
I *should* trust myself more! I had to start all over at 31 when my husband died while running a race. That terrible time spurred me to get my finances in order, re-evaluate career choices, face the fragility and uncertainty of life head-on, and rely more on myself than I ever have.
At 38, I should have so much trust and confidence in myself! But now life looks a lot different and I’m not just responsible for myself, but my daughter and family as a whole. I’m the household breadwinner and the stakes feel so much higher! I stress about the future a lot more than I probably should. And I definitely need to recaulk our bathrooms 😅
Katie, discovering your writing from that time in your life helped me gain confidence in my own path forward—so, thank you for sharing the story of your own impossible challenges with all of us. 💔
I've felt both fear and empowerment as a result of financial self-reliance these past few years. But being the breadwinner for yourself *plus* a family is—as I can only imagine—next-level pressure, and with that added pressure, a very different relationship to self-trust. I really appreciate the window into that experience!
Maddie - I just came across your substack a couple of days ago, and I am obsessed... thank you for taking such a balanced and pragmatic view on planning and serendipity! I'm wondering - what exactly do you mean by magical thinking? I imagine it's quite a hard habit to unlearn...
Zan, I can't tell you how much I appreciate your comment. I try to write essays that tap into something bigger than my own experience; hearing feedback like this is *so* lovely and heartening. Thank you! 🤗
And great question re: magical thinking. In this context, magical thinking means believing that we have a greater degree of control than we actually do: "If I do X perfectly, then Y is sure to happen," even when outside events might have a meaningful impact on the outcome.
I'm super late to the comment party, but wanted to thank you for this post, friend. It offered a gentle reframe for me. Something I've learned, after many incidents and a few traumas, is that (so far) I have been able to work through every challenging situation I've found myself in. That doesn't mean I like finding myself in a tough spot, but I know I can handle it. "Resilient" is the closest word I've found to describe that knowing. But actually... I know I can handle things, because I've built up a lot of trust with myself. I have proven history to back me up on this. And honestly? I'm in a pretty tough spot right now, and somehow I'm not losing sleep at night. Because... I know I'll figure this one out too. Maybe a gentle reminder for others to ask: how have you dealt with things in the past? Can your history give you some strength?
I so appreciate these questions, which offer concrete, actionable nudges toward building self-trust in moments it feels fragile...or is nowhere to be found. And I'm holding you in my heart as you work through your own tough spot. I know that the resilience you've built will carry you far...but the most important thing is that *you* already know that!
PS: When I head to Squamish this summer for a short return visit, I'll fill up my camera roll with more snaps. Happy to provide another dose of on-demand nostalgia then! 🤩
When I get all worked up and worried about something terrible happening or going wrong, I remind myself that the things that have gone really wrong in my life were NOT things I worried about in advance - they were shocks that came seemingly out of nowhere. And I handled them just fine. I have no way of knowing what will go wrong next, but I do feel confident I'll figure out how to cope when the time comes.
OMG, isn't that the most upsetting truth—that after aaaall our anxious ruminating, the problems that arise are completely different than we'd imagined. 😅 The upside being, of course, that we tend to figure out the unwelcome surprises just fine...exactly like you said! Love this, Amelia. And love your confidence, too!
Great post, Maddie. It really had me thinking about my own contingency planning. Looking back, I've had to wing it a few times and just scraped by. But I guess I've always backed myself to get through things, financially speaking at least.
Wahhhh. This hits on so many levels. (1) I picked “Trust” as my word for this year. I guess I didn’t pick it, really. I asked myself what I needed and that was the answer I heard. I don’t even know what that means. I imagine some of it is trusting myself which is why this headline grabbed me. (2) I’ve just started doing the blocking time off for things like exercise and writing and in my own twisted way, that is me trusting myself. To follow through. It’s like a dare or a tease, “Will you actually do this if you’re the only one who needs this thing from you?” and (3) the surrender to the notion that you can do everything “right” and bad/unexpected/undesired things will happen is such a huge part of the work I do with clients in therapy, and when I say huge, I mean nearly every single person (myself included) battle with that belief structure. It feels so Western, almost religious.
Sounds like the word picked *you*, Kaitlyn—how beautiful! Thank you so much for offering your own reflection and perspective on this theme. It's so meaningful to hear how it's showing up in other people's lives, not just my own!
TBH, I still don't know how people do their laundry and grocery shop on the same night after work. But we have come a long way since those days on Gchat!
I trust myself to figure things out when sh*t hits the fan, but I also don't trust myself to give my dog his monthly heartworm medication without a Gcal alert and I think that's okay!
We've come *such* a long way 🥹 I'm glad you trust yourself in high-stakes situations, because you're one of the most wildly capable people there is. (And also, yes to setting lots of reminders related to the health and well-being of our fur children; they must be kept safe at all costs!)
Oof this line really hit me: "We adopt magical thinking and coping mechanisms because, on some level, we’re worried we can’t endure the worst what-ifs." That was a good part of my 2023, ha! And as a parent, it's feels especially hard to trust myself because a) it's my first time being a parent and b) I don't know if he'll turn out "right." But I remind myself over and over again that I've done some really hard stuff (one day I think I'll share some of it in my Substack) and if I can navigate those moments, I can certainly trust myself when other things come along.
These are such beautiful reminders, Sarah. And I can only imagine the kind of self-trust that parenting takes...it’s the ultimate high-stakes experiment!
PS: I’m so intrigued to hear the stories you’re alluding to, and very much hope you share them here with us this year. 🤗
Going to keep your last sentence in my mind for a long time: “Spoken like someone who trusts herself.” Sometimes when I’m struggling with a decision or with confidence (isn’t that the same thing though?) my therapist will ask, whose voice is that, telling you no? A lot of times it’s not my own. Mine sounds more like someone who trusts herself. 🩷
Anne, there's so much good stuff here—getting clear on whose voice, exactly, is in your head (and whether or not it's welcome), and *also* the very astute observation that confidence and the ability to make decisions are inextricably linked. Thanks so much for offering these reflections!
You know, it's funny... Because things have gone so sideways in a life with a seizure disorder, I trust myself more than ever to figure things out when they do.
...and as you've realized that securing help is important, you've also encouraged others (with concrete advice!) to ask for help themselves. Love 👏 to 👏 see 👏 it!
Considering my life was so sideways for so long, and every time I got my financial footing that rug was pulled out from under me again, truthfully, I still don't trust that everything will be okay. LOL. I'm optimistically skeptical. But I know how to handle that (and it's a true displeasure). I have a little cushion now, so there's that. But, even that cushion has shrunk (don't take a pay cut before inflation explodes). It's a challenge to trust when, as you said, you can do everything right and things still go very wrong. I just have to focus on what's going right and not panic about a projection (prepare but not panic). And I have to say, about the reminders, that I just recently got into this. I got myself a charming planning calendar (for the first time in my life) and started to use the Reminders app. For me, yes, I trust myself to remember, but I would rather free up that brain space from those silly tasks rather that keep them at front of mind for the days or weeks before they could be accomplished. So, I sort of love it (and you bet I write in "Exercise" in my planning calendar so I can check that sucker off)! You have also entered "writer's brain", where we truly don't remember simple things when we are typing away. This is why I have to have a kettle with a whistle (after ruining my beautiful Japanese kettle...and turning my kitchen into a steam room). You're using your brain in a different way. It's not a lack of trust, it's a way of freeing up that gray matter to do other stuff. Hope things go well with your repair, doll. You're handling it like a champ! xo
Love these reflections, Sandra! I think that skepticism is realistic and healthy. (I was going to make some well-intentioned point about Pollyanna's outlook changing when she fell off that roof, but frankly I don't remember the plot well enough to do so! 😅)
And I share your love of systems that help free up brain space for more interesting and important work. RIP to your beautiful-sounding Japanese kettle...
I'd love to hear from you! Do *you* trust yourself to figure things out when your plans go sideways? Has that trust ever wavered?
“When did I stop trusting myself to do the things that are important to me?” hits home. There’s so much anxiety surrounding every reminder and time block. I’ve worked pretty hard on minimising this over the last 12 months, as trusting myself starts with just being kind and patient. I do need to recaulk the tiles, though.
"Trusting myself starts with just being kind and patient"—Tom, I love this, and it's *so* true. Thanks for reframing this intangible idea into an actionable first step! (And for providing solidarity on the recaulking front. 😅)
You can start again. Inspiring and real as always, Maddie.
I so appreciate this, Jolene. Thank you! 🥰
I *should* trust myself more! I had to start all over at 31 when my husband died while running a race. That terrible time spurred me to get my finances in order, re-evaluate career choices, face the fragility and uncertainty of life head-on, and rely more on myself than I ever have.
At 38, I should have so much trust and confidence in myself! But now life looks a lot different and I’m not just responsible for myself, but my daughter and family as a whole. I’m the household breadwinner and the stakes feel so much higher! I stress about the future a lot more than I probably should. And I definitely need to recaulk our bathrooms 😅
Katie, discovering your writing from that time in your life helped me gain confidence in my own path forward—so, thank you for sharing the story of your own impossible challenges with all of us. 💔
I've felt both fear and empowerment as a result of financial self-reliance these past few years. But being the breadwinner for yourself *plus* a family is—as I can only imagine—next-level pressure, and with that added pressure, a very different relationship to self-trust. I really appreciate the window into that experience!
Maddie - I just came across your substack a couple of days ago, and I am obsessed... thank you for taking such a balanced and pragmatic view on planning and serendipity! I'm wondering - what exactly do you mean by magical thinking? I imagine it's quite a hard habit to unlearn...
Zan, I can't tell you how much I appreciate your comment. I try to write essays that tap into something bigger than my own experience; hearing feedback like this is *so* lovely and heartening. Thank you! 🤗
And great question re: magical thinking. In this context, magical thinking means believing that we have a greater degree of control than we actually do: "If I do X perfectly, then Y is sure to happen," even when outside events might have a meaningful impact on the outcome.
Least I could do! Keep it up. And thanks for the clarification! Makes me realise how much I engage in magical thinking.... to my detriment....
You’re far from alone there! 😅
I'm super late to the comment party, but wanted to thank you for this post, friend. It offered a gentle reframe for me. Something I've learned, after many incidents and a few traumas, is that (so far) I have been able to work through every challenging situation I've found myself in. That doesn't mean I like finding myself in a tough spot, but I know I can handle it. "Resilient" is the closest word I've found to describe that knowing. But actually... I know I can handle things, because I've built up a lot of trust with myself. I have proven history to back me up on this. And honestly? I'm in a pretty tough spot right now, and somehow I'm not losing sleep at night. Because... I know I'll figure this one out too. Maybe a gentle reminder for others to ask: how have you dealt with things in the past? Can your history give you some strength?
Oh and also: the pic from the Sea to Sky Gondola made me homesick for Squamish in the best way possible.
I so appreciate these questions, which offer concrete, actionable nudges toward building self-trust in moments it feels fragile...or is nowhere to be found. And I'm holding you in my heart as you work through your own tough spot. I know that the resilience you've built will carry you far...but the most important thing is that *you* already know that!
PS: When I head to Squamish this summer for a short return visit, I'll fill up my camera roll with more snaps. Happy to provide another dose of on-demand nostalgia then! 🤩
When I get all worked up and worried about something terrible happening or going wrong, I remind myself that the things that have gone really wrong in my life were NOT things I worried about in advance - they were shocks that came seemingly out of nowhere. And I handled them just fine. I have no way of knowing what will go wrong next, but I do feel confident I'll figure out how to cope when the time comes.
OMG, isn't that the most upsetting truth—that after aaaall our anxious ruminating, the problems that arise are completely different than we'd imagined. 😅 The upside being, of course, that we tend to figure out the unwelcome surprises just fine...exactly like you said! Love this, Amelia. And love your confidence, too!
Great post, Maddie. It really had me thinking about my own contingency planning. Looking back, I've had to wing it a few times and just scraped by. But I guess I've always backed myself to get through things, financially speaking at least.
So glad it prompted these thoughtful reflections, Jeffrey—and I'm equally glad to hear that you've always backed yourself! 💪
Wahhhh. This hits on so many levels. (1) I picked “Trust” as my word for this year. I guess I didn’t pick it, really. I asked myself what I needed and that was the answer I heard. I don’t even know what that means. I imagine some of it is trusting myself which is why this headline grabbed me. (2) I’ve just started doing the blocking time off for things like exercise and writing and in my own twisted way, that is me trusting myself. To follow through. It’s like a dare or a tease, “Will you actually do this if you’re the only one who needs this thing from you?” and (3) the surrender to the notion that you can do everything “right” and bad/unexpected/undesired things will happen is such a huge part of the work I do with clients in therapy, and when I say huge, I mean nearly every single person (myself included) battle with that belief structure. It feels so Western, almost religious.
Sounds like the word picked *you*, Kaitlyn—how beautiful! Thank you so much for offering your own reflection and perspective on this theme. It's so meaningful to hear how it's showing up in other people's lives, not just my own!
TBH, I still don't know how people do their laundry and grocery shop on the same night after work. But we have come a long way since those days on Gchat!
I trust myself to figure things out when sh*t hits the fan, but I also don't trust myself to give my dog his monthly heartworm medication without a Gcal alert and I think that's okay!
We've come *such* a long way 🥹 I'm glad you trust yourself in high-stakes situations, because you're one of the most wildly capable people there is. (And also, yes to setting lots of reminders related to the health and well-being of our fur children; they must be kept safe at all costs!)
Oof this line really hit me: "We adopt magical thinking and coping mechanisms because, on some level, we’re worried we can’t endure the worst what-ifs." That was a good part of my 2023, ha! And as a parent, it's feels especially hard to trust myself because a) it's my first time being a parent and b) I don't know if he'll turn out "right." But I remind myself over and over again that I've done some really hard stuff (one day I think I'll share some of it in my Substack) and if I can navigate those moments, I can certainly trust myself when other things come along.
These are such beautiful reminders, Sarah. And I can only imagine the kind of self-trust that parenting takes...it’s the ultimate high-stakes experiment!
PS: I’m so intrigued to hear the stories you’re alluding to, and very much hope you share them here with us this year. 🤗
I have them in drafts somewhere! So we shall see!
This sums it all up for me as you quoted.
“Even if you do lose all of your material wealth and belongings, your life is not over,” she wrote.
“You can start again.”
At any point I can't agree, then and only then shall I have cause for concern and worry.
Thank you, Chrystal! ❤️
Going to keep your last sentence in my mind for a long time: “Spoken like someone who trusts herself.” Sometimes when I’m struggling with a decision or with confidence (isn’t that the same thing though?) my therapist will ask, whose voice is that, telling you no? A lot of times it’s not my own. Mine sounds more like someone who trusts herself. 🩷
Anne, there's so much good stuff here—getting clear on whose voice, exactly, is in your head (and whether or not it's welcome), and *also* the very astute observation that confidence and the ability to make decisions are inextricably linked. Thanks so much for offering these reflections!
You know, it's funny... Because things have gone so sideways in a life with a seizure disorder, I trust myself more than ever to figure things out when they do.
I absolutely love hearing that self-trust has been positively correlated with uncertainty for you, Alisa! Super empowering. 💪
I trust myself, mostly (not as much as I should), but I also realize that I will need a lot of help. Fortunately, I've gotten better at doing that.
...and as you've realized that securing help is important, you've also encouraged others (with concrete advice!) to ask for help themselves. Love 👏 to 👏 see 👏 it!
Considering my life was so sideways for so long, and every time I got my financial footing that rug was pulled out from under me again, truthfully, I still don't trust that everything will be okay. LOL. I'm optimistically skeptical. But I know how to handle that (and it's a true displeasure). I have a little cushion now, so there's that. But, even that cushion has shrunk (don't take a pay cut before inflation explodes). It's a challenge to trust when, as you said, you can do everything right and things still go very wrong. I just have to focus on what's going right and not panic about a projection (prepare but not panic). And I have to say, about the reminders, that I just recently got into this. I got myself a charming planning calendar (for the first time in my life) and started to use the Reminders app. For me, yes, I trust myself to remember, but I would rather free up that brain space from those silly tasks rather that keep them at front of mind for the days or weeks before they could be accomplished. So, I sort of love it (and you bet I write in "Exercise" in my planning calendar so I can check that sucker off)! You have also entered "writer's brain", where we truly don't remember simple things when we are typing away. This is why I have to have a kettle with a whistle (after ruining my beautiful Japanese kettle...and turning my kitchen into a steam room). You're using your brain in a different way. It's not a lack of trust, it's a way of freeing up that gray matter to do other stuff. Hope things go well with your repair, doll. You're handling it like a champ! xo
Love these reflections, Sandra! I think that skepticism is realistic and healthy. (I was going to make some well-intentioned point about Pollyanna's outlook changing when she fell off that roof, but frankly I don't remember the plot well enough to do so! 😅)
And I share your love of systems that help free up brain space for more interesting and important work. RIP to your beautiful-sounding Japanese kettle...